“In heterosexual couples, this is typically the guy, who may feel overwhelmed, or afraid of his own anger, or perhaps this is a passive-aggressive way of striking back,” marriage and family therapist Amy Begel said. “Body posture and non-verbal cues are extremely important to be aware of ― especially if either partner has relational trauma in their history,” she said. Listening is so important when you're having a disagreement. Name-calling or zeroing in one of your partner’s insecurities or vulnerabilities … Name-calling or zeroing in one of your partner’s insecurities or vulnerabilities during an argument is a low blow. I only mean that knowing how to argue, including what to say and what not to say, can prevent problems from escalating. So step one is to make sure you close your mouth when it's time for your partner to have their say. things you say to your partner during an argument, things you should say to your partner during an argument, don't have to agree with your partner's opinions. The conflict is still unresolved and it leaves your partner alone, confused and even more frustrated. And in those years, I saw so many conflicts (even some that led to violence) that could have been resolved peacefully if both partners just knew how to communicate. It’s often irrelevant to the present debate, counterproductive and can make your partner extra defensive. Middle ground should be a solution that makes you both happy, or that is fair to everyone, even if it's not exactly what you both want. Ask your partner "what's the middle ground?" Instead, wait until things have cooled down before you try to come to a consensus. Instead, we will be … “Whatever the unconscious motivations, this maneuver is unfair, covert bullying and cowardly. “When one partner is especially thin-skinned, anxious, guilt-ridden or just can never admit they’re wrong, they may employ a variety of methods designed to put the other person on the defensive,” Begel said. I Feel... "I" statements, if you've never heard of them, are statements that express how a situation … During an argument, we’re often so focused on what we’re saying that we’re not paying attention to our non-verbal behaviors. Texting is great for sending emojis, wishing your partner good luck on their job interview or figuring out what’s for dinner. Negative or hurtful communication does the opposite, and over time, it can lead to enough hurt and resentment to destroy a relationship. If you make a plan for how to handle things down the line, you can save yourself from having the same argument all over again. Even in the heat of an argument, try to remember that you and your partner are on the same team. That's how relationships end for seemingly no reason. You have an opinion. Cards To Give To A Friend Going Through A Breakup, A weekly guide to improving all of the relationships in your life, Subscribe to HuffPost’s relationships email, “If you’ve been with your partner long enough, you probably have a sense of certain things about them that would be especially hurtful if you brought them up during an argument,” marriage and family therapist, “In heterosexual couples, this is typically the guy, who may feel overwhelmed, or afraid of his own anger, or perhaps this is a passive-aggressive way of striking back,” marriage and family therapist, Folks wanting a pause “can state that they want to hear more and understand, but need to stop the discussion right now,” psychotherapist, of your words or behaviors may very well have been harmful,” psychologist, When we overlook the potential for causing harm while in an argument, we further that harm through continuing to dismiss our sweetheart’s experience.”, “Feelings that are common in conflict ― such as anger, frustration, and emotional pain ― tend to come with big energy,” marriage and family therapist. We asked therapists to share the worst things couples can do during an argument so you know what to avoid next time you’re in a spat. (And, it should go without saying, that abuse, whether physical or emotional, is never OK. “One method is to ‘throw in the kitchen sink,’ to list all the flaws of the other partner, to refer to past transgressions or to distract from the argument at hand by changing the subject.”. There’s too much room to misinterpret someone when you aren’t sitting face-to-face or, at the very least, talking on the phone.”. It's important to use your "I" statements in an argument. Sometimes the best thing to say is actually to say nothing. For example, if you're arguing over one partner spending too much money, then you might say something like "how about in the future, we always have to discuss purchases of more than $100." “Try focusing on the issue at hand rather than making personal attacks and saying something about your partner that you will probably later regret,” she said. When both of you apologize, you help share the burden of your problems and pave the way for a loving make up. ©2020 Verizon Media. It's a huge plus for your trust and happiness as a couple if you can express to them that you see where they're coming from. It means the difference between concepts or people you`re having an argument about. It’s not so great when you’re trying to resolve an argument because text messages can easily be misconstrued. “If you’ve been with your partner long enough, you probably have a sense of certain things about them that would be especially hurtful if you brought them up during an argument,” marriage and family therapist Gary Brown told HuffPost. These Are the 4 Worst Things You Can Say During a Fight With Your Partner ... leading to an argument. Because even if you're not apologizing for doing anything wrong, you can still be sorry that your partner was upset or that you argued. Our discomfort can make us fumble over our words or say things we don’t mean. If you want to fight fair, then dredging up your partner’s past errors in a bid to “win” the argument is a big no-no. Even if the argument is about something trivial, like what movie to watch, how you speak and act can mean big things for your love. If you’re correct in what you’re saying…. When you both want something different, and it's led to a major argument, the best thing you can do is compromise. Need help? “Finding middle ground or agreeing to disagree helps a relationship to thrive while both partners feel worthy of consideration.”. “They can identify that they feel too upset, confused, angry or whatever it might be, to keep listening and talking it through. All couples fight. What a weakling you are!’”. For example, respectful communication during conflict helps build trust, intimacy, boundaries, and mutual understanding. Instead, Seely recommends using deep breathing techniques or sensory mindfulness (rubbing something soft, squeezing a stress ball, smelling an essential oil) to help you stay calm and present, in spite of the difficult emotions you’re experiencing. 2020 Bustle Digital Group. All rights reserved. In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. When neither partner has the energy or desire to patch things up, it may signal they’ve checked out of the relationship. Folks wanting a pause “can state that they want to hear more and understand, but need to stop the discussion right now,” psychotherapist Carol A. Lambert said. It reduces the other partner to rubble, emotionally.”. Instead, it's the time to say your opinion, explain where you're coming from, and make your case for what you think is the best solution. And then there are unproductive or toxic ways to handle such matters.